I pretend like you are here
looking back at me
with eyes so wise
and smile so wide
that it makes me crumble
inside.
I take a full breath,
slowly,
and close my eyes
as the clouds divide.
The sun shines down on me
and for a second
I swear I can feel my
lips on your thighs.
Your scent lingers
in my mind’s eye
as I exhale and realize
it was only days ago that we
set the nights on fire
and only days until we meet again.
There are ghosts of you on this road -
shades that overwhelm my senses.
I try to catch them, but I fail.
They are soft and mysterious -
reflections of the way you smile.
Silent beacon’s in the darkness
calling me. Calling me home.
I thought about your legs on mine
and how you softly stroked my hair.
Your ghosts have hold of me again.
And the perfect moment we shared
becomes a manifestation
of apparitions in the air.
Eternal, haunting and divine.
sit
sit and remind yourself why you’re here.
But nothing comes to mind.
nothing.
beg for a chance to be released
but no one answers your pleas anymore.
no one.
where is the razor blade you used last summer?
how come you couldn’t pull the trigger?
no answer.
no chance to remember the reason why
you changed your mind.
empty and alone.
clouded by visions of enemies,
hate, destruction, smells of spit.
And you sit.
sit.
go blind
lose yourself in the rewind
and find the thing in you that is missed the most.
but it’s a ghost
a distant spectre taken over by the frost.
the drugs don’t help
the liquor’s hell
and you’re lost in the yell of a thousand memories.
You go to your knees
and beg for dreams
but what you get is the wet sticky substance
that linger’s among us.
this is the decadence dance.
the chance to lose everything with one glance.
slash it away
smash it away
today you’ve become the maker of your own demise.
it’s in your eyes,
the reflection of the knives you used
to end the abuse.
you never win, always lose,
when you bargain with the end,
the oblivion
tried to breathe today
but I realized I was a machine.
slowly through the ages
we have become this
Nothing but extensions to electronics
sub processors and batteries.
Who are we now?
what have we created?
Addicted to the sounds
the sights the smells these things give us.
Can’t get away… get away!
Let me breathe
let me see my own true self.
But without these things
we are nothing.
We’ve come to realize that
and can’t go back to what we were:
men.
I plod through memories again
and try to lose myself in that thought plane.
Multi-colors, pseudo-textures
I try to stay in that voice mixture.
But I’m dreaming alone
sleeping alone
and it’s not the same as being with you.
I’m addicted, obsessed… yeah, I guess that’s true.
Smell the sweet scent I’ve packed away
maybe that’ll help me live through today.
But it’s not enough to ease my soul,
to take back what distance and time stole.
Because I’m dreaming alone
sleeping alone
and nothing can save me from this abyss
except your breath, your touch, your kiss.
step once
step twice
stop and smell the spice
of the slut on the corner.
Broken glass
Broken souls
need more money to fill the holes
that were made by your lover.
one o’clock
one boy
playing with his brand new toy
waiting for mommy to come home.
“who’s that?
who’s this?”
“shut up, boy, I’m getting pissed!”
“but we’re not supposed to be alone.”
“fuck you!”
Fuck again
before he feels the pain,
The shame of being him.
step once
step twice
stop and make the slice
that let’s go of life and sin.
I look out at you from my somber corner
and silently I pray for your death’s.
One by one, I pray, you will fall.
But god doesn’t listen to these selfish desires.
Sometimes he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence.
I’ve forgotten how it feels
to be wrapped in the arms of faith and belief.
It’s been so long since I’ve let myself go.
Can’t he see the agony in my eye’s,
the depression in my smile,
the forgotten desire in my soul?
But it’s up to me to step forward,
To let the light shine through my heart.
And my feet are frozen
Rusted to the ground by hateful thoughts.
I can’t step forward because I’ve become a
machine. I’m not a man anymore.
But still I pray… sometimes only for destruction.
… once in a while for… love.
Because I know he’s out there somewhere,
he’s hiding from my sinful eye’s.
And I can only see him if I give in
let go of all the desire’s he put inside of me.
Confusion sets in… pain in my abdomen.
If he didn’t want me to be this way
then why did he make me this way?
I have no defense against temptation
save a few ideals and morals.
But sometimes they’re not enough
or busy somewhere else.
But I believe, I believe,
I want so much to just believe…
it’s not enough.
Never enough.
And the snake behind my eye’s controls me.
The sex behind my lies controls me.
and I am a ball of belief
unwound by temptation
and sin.
piercing my skin with laughter
you muse at the way I react.
what can make you tremble?
what can I destroy?
That’s all I think about when you stand there.
With your coca cola smile
and your pork chop side Burns.
I knew you once, but now it’s all a memory.
I move to one side and you follow.
Left, left right, right
and still that smile on your face.
up, up down, down
and still that look in your eyes.
Like I’m not good enough and never will be.
Like the skies aren’t meant for me.
Like possession’s lost are unimportant.
And when I strike, I strike a mirror.
my reflection is scattered
and you multiply into a million me’s,
a million faces full of laughter,
a million ways to make me feel hurt,
a million faces of shame
and disappointment.
Oh, god, the mirror’s got control again.
