sit
sit and remind yourself why you’re here.
But nothing comes to mind.
nothing.
beg for a chance to be released
but no one answers your pleas anymore.
no one.
where is the razor blade you used last summer?
how come you couldn’t pull the trigger?
no answer.
no chance to remember the reason why
you changed your mind.
empty and alone.
clouded by visions of enemies,
hate, destruction, smells of spit.
And you sit.
sit.
go blind
lose yourself in the rewind
and find the thing in you that is missed the most.
but it’s a ghost
a distant spectre taken over by the frost.
the drugs don’t help
the liquor’s hell
and you’re lost in the yell of a thousand memories.
You go to your knees
and beg for dreams
but what you get is the wet sticky substance
that linger’s among us.
this is the decadence dance.
the chance to lose everything with one glance.
slash it away
smash it away
today you’ve become the maker of your own demise.
it’s in your eyes,
the reflection of the knives you used
to end the abuse.
you never win, always lose,
when you bargain with the end,
the oblivion
tried to breathe today
but I realized I was a machine.
slowly through the ages
we have become this
Nothing but extensions to electronics
sub processors and batteries.
Who are we now?
what have we created?
Addicted to the sounds
the sights the smells these things give us.
Can’t get away… get away!
Let me breathe
let me see my own true self.
But without these things
we are nothing.
We’ve come to realize that
and can’t go back to what we were:
men.
I plod through memories again
and try to lose myself in that thought plane.
Multi-colors, pseudo-textures
I try to stay in that voice mixture.
But I’m dreaming alone
sleeping alone
and it’s not the same as being with you.
I’m addicted, obsessed… yeah, I guess that’s true.
Smell the sweet scent I’ve packed away
maybe that’ll help me live through today.
But it’s not enough to ease my soul,
to take back what distance and time stole.
Because I’m dreaming alone
sleeping alone
and nothing can save me from this abyss
except your breath, your touch, your kiss.
step once
step twice
stop and smell the spice
of the slut on the corner.
Broken glass
Broken souls
need more money to fill the holes
that were made by your lover.
one o’clock
one boy
playing with his brand new toy
waiting for mommy to come home.
“who’s that?
who’s this?”
“shut up, boy, I’m getting pissed!”
“but we’re not supposed to be alone.”
“fuck you!”
Fuck again
before he feels the pain,
The shame of being him.
step once
step twice
stop and make the slice
that let’s go of life and sin.
I look out at you from my somber corner
and silently I pray for your death’s.
One by one, I pray, you will fall.
But god doesn’t listen to these selfish desires.
Sometimes he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence.
I’ve forgotten how it feels
to be wrapped in the arms of faith and belief.
It’s been so long since I’ve let myself go.
Can’t he see the agony in my eye’s,
the depression in my smile,
the forgotten desire in my soul?
But it’s up to me to step forward,
To let the light shine through my heart.
And my feet are frozen
Rusted to the ground by hateful thoughts.
I can’t step forward because I’ve become a
machine. I’m not a man anymore.
But still I pray… sometimes only for destruction.
… once in a while for… love.
Because I know he’s out there somewhere,
he’s hiding from my sinful eye’s.
And I can only see him if I give in
let go of all the desire’s he put inside of me.
Confusion sets in… pain in my abdomen.
If he didn’t want me to be this way
then why did he make me this way?
I have no defense against temptation
save a few ideals and morals.
But sometimes they’re not enough
or busy somewhere else.
But I believe, I believe,
I want so much to just believe…
it’s not enough.
Never enough.
And the snake behind my eye’s controls me.
The sex behind my lies controls me.
and I am a ball of belief
unwound by temptation
and sin.
piercing my skin with laughter
you muse at the way I react.
what can make you tremble?
what can I destroy?
That’s all I think about when you stand there.
With your coca cola smile
and your pork chop side Burns.
I knew you once, but now it’s all a memory.
I move to one side and you follow.
Left, left right, right
and still that smile on your face.
up, up down, down
and still that look in your eyes.
Like I’m not good enough and never will be.
Like the skies aren’t meant for me.
Like possession’s lost are unimportant.
And when I strike, I strike a mirror.
my reflection is scattered
and you multiply into a million me’s,
a million faces full of laughter,
a million ways to make me feel hurt,
a million faces of shame
and disappointment.
Oh, god, the mirror’s got control again.
Sometimes I say things just to let myself know
I’m not alive like the rest of you.
I put my memories aside
lick my lips in the dark… in the blackness,
in the shadow’s behind my eyes.
I live in the in between…
somewhere the feelings you give me can’t effect me.
Does it bother you to know I secretly hate you?
Not because of any other reason
but the simple fact that you’re not me.
Maybe in the future you’ll see
that living like this isn’t better
isn’t easier
isn’t even the sane thing to do…
it just is.
Just makes me feel superior to you.
Only because I can tell myself that I am and believe it.
Make it so by thought alone.
Sometimes I say things…
just to let myself know I’m still alive.
Take it away now
shave it from my face.
Have to ignore you to be at peace,
have to pretend you’re not here
to have some sort of freedom.
But you tempt me
you push in to my realm
with eye’s like knives
and finger’s that can melt my skin.
Don’t touch me
I don’t want to be reminded I’m alive.
Don’t look at me
I don’t want to feel myself breathe.
Take it… shave it…
place it in your oblivion and walk away.
This is my only sanity now
this corner
this self absorption
this paper
this pen
this absence of clarity.
the wind stopped blowing
and the sun came out… bright… it blinded me
for a while.
I must adapt, must learn to live without some things.
I cling on to hope
to dreams and memories… bright… they blind me,
bring me closer to bliss.
I must remember the wind will blow again some day.
stick my hands in my pocket’s
let the sun shine on my face… gently…
reverently I stand there alone
among a crowd of strangers.
These are the times I dread
but secretly admire.
for their power… their lasting effect… their lack of
everything.
the wind begins to blow.
again I reflect on you… bright… you blind me
and I am lost…
in lotus dreams that help me forget I’m here.
I block out these figure’s
the sun and the depression… bright… but doesn’t blind
because I’m dreaming,
In a haze, on an island, in your arms and memory.
