You’re a ghost inside my radio
drifting in and out of the static.
I thought I’d never see you again
when those words became automatic:
“I miss you.”
I really need to hear your voice
right now. Tell me to stop being so emo
and tease me with the mystery
of your magic spell. Give me the show.
I miss you.
emo, me-
ow, etc. I look at her with my heart wide open and I’m not supposed
to tell her. I look at her with
my eyes towards the future and I’m not supposed to
talk about it.
little, me-
ow, etc. I speak to her about the beauty that beams from her gray
eyes. I speak to her about
kotletkas, candies, and tickling until we
fall asleep.
sleepy, me-
ow, etc. I tumble in to dreams where I can finally hold her from
miles away. I tumble in to
her pineapple kisses and all the names she puts
before bear.
There’s an adventure in each breath you take
that I want to go on.
Your eyes reflect an infinite number of color possibilities.
Your face injects dynamic beauty shots inside of me.
There’s a mystery in each look you give
that I want to solve.
Your soul is speaking in a whisper that only I can understand.
Your mind is casting magic spells to capture the heart of your man.
There is romance in each action you take
that I want to inspire.
Your hands are tickling me from so many kilometers away.
Your lips dissolve my fears as my lips demand that you stay.
I adjust my position too late – I’ve got a cramp in my side
and I can’t seem to shake the feeling of nausea as I
feel my heart tremble with fear,
hear my breathing come to a stop,
smell the burning of hope,
and taste the copper in my mouth
from the night before.
You’re taking your words back now but I’m open wide
and I can’t seem to wake from peeling apart as I
steel my nerves to move forward,
steer my thoughts towards the positive,
tell you as plain as I can,
that even though you make me doubt
I’m still here like before.
Kicking, screaming,
bending towards the sunshine.
My heart is pulling me forward
while my mind struggles with the calculations.
“This is impossible,” it claims.
“This is all possible,” it sings.
Another day -
another way to make my dreams a reality
is to suck her scent in from her
light
blue
shirt.
I let my soul expand
in her essence
trapped within the threads.
I let my spirit unwind
within a secret
and unintended seduction.
She is not witness to it
nor a partner in this crime
but she is guilty
just the same.
“I want things to be natural,” she says.
What’s more natural than your scent?
“I don’t want to lose the mystery,” she says
while my mind struggles with the calculations.
“This isn’t happening,” it gasps.
“There’s nothing,” it exhales,
“more real than now -
more embedded in your coding
than the ecstasy you feel
while inhaling the fragrance of this
light
blue
shirt.”
We sleep in until it’s too late to do the things we planned.
You are
smooth and trembling
as I tickle your back.
You throw sheets aside and I pull in pillows.
You wake up smiling and I’m still dreaming.
I expand infinite inside your kiss -
moving mountains,
collapsing canyons,
obliterating oceans,
and incinerating islands
while I
whisper your name
in to the softness of your skin.
I explore and lay claim to
your mountains, your canyons, your oceans, and islands.
You are a planet unlike any other
that begs to be discovered.
We are blooming in the sun
and then exploding in the wind.
And I drown inside your eyes
as you meow and laugh and tease.
You intercept my self-conscious silence
with a smile
and a look that tells me to stop thinking about the endings of things
and start paying attention to the shape of your hips,
the words you say without saying,
the sound of your laughter echoing in my head.
There’s a knock on the door -
a welcome interruption as you bring back the sheets.
I get up and as I round the corner I see your shyness is back.
I bring in the cart.
You excuse yourself to do your ritual in private.
I begin my new ritual of serving the coffee and setting the table.
We sit in silence and drink and eat and smile and
the beating in my heart tells me I’m still alive
even though it all seems so surreal.
Yes, that knock on the door
brought us back to reality and as we sip our coffee,
we drip with impatience to get right back in to our dream world
where kisses are forever
and now is all that matters.
I wonder what you’re doing right now
as I lay in bed looking at these pictures of you.
You must be dreaming without knowing it.
You must be sleeping in the arms of peace.
I am speaking out of turn but how
do you manage to stop my heart and cue
my mind to battle against the nature of it?
My mind is rattled but my soul’s at ease.
I am realizing that in all of these pictures
you don’t have your arms around me like you should.
I’m confused, and a bit disoriented
like a beast wandering through an urban nightmare.
I am speaking out of turn but you’re
driving me a bit insane and the things that would
usually give me confidence are sedated
by your trepidation to show me you care.
I initiate a self-revival sequence
within my programmed survival code
and I successfully install a program to let go.
Yes, I successfully begin to accept everything.
I’ve decided to stop trying to make any sense
of the things that would usually hold
me back and flail. Yes, I continue to grow
while I focus on the beautiful things I’m feeling.
heart beat, break beat.
the sun’s shining on the dying
like the moon’s beaming on the dead.
and yet, i bet on
the movement of her hips.
they are making me moan
and hope is pulling me out from under
the persistence of thoughts
i can’t seem to control.
I hold on to the last time
we touched
like a fevered coke fiend
wanting another fix.
I hold on to the last time
we kissed
like a dictator
gripping his fist for control.
heart beat, break beat.
the stars are blinking down on me
like the clouds form images i yearn.
and still i’m filled with
moments of absolute darkness.
all i want is to hear her voice
and kiss the softness that pushes me over
the precipice of thoughts
i can’t seem to control.
I hold on to the last time
we slept
like a little bear
who misses the snow.
I hold on to the last time
we looked
in to each others eyes
and felt the world melt.
I collaborate with needles under my skin
to keep me awake -
and to keep me sane.
yes, I put pressure on them to make myself grin,
but it’s a mistake
to love all this pain.
I want to distract myself from the lack of you -
from the emptiness
that destroys my days.
your scent, your touch, your taste – infected all I knew.
now there’s only this:
a lack of sun rays.
I reach out to the sky hoping to feel something -
anything that’s close
to your warmth and smile.
my heart aches, my mind is numb, and I keep thinking:
I hate that I won’t
see you for a while.
I pretend like you are here
looking back at me
with eyes so wise
and smile so wide
that it makes me crumble
inside.
I take a full breath,
slowly,
and close my eyes
as the clouds divide.
The sun shines down on me
and for a second
I swear I can feel my
lips on your thighs.
Your scent lingers
in my mind’s eye
as I exhale and realize
it was only days ago that we
set the nights on fire
and only days until we meet again.
