skinblade

I wonder what you’re doing right now
as I lay in bed looking at these pictures of you.
You must be dreaming without knowing it.
You must be sleeping in the arms of peace.
I am speaking out of turn but how
do you manage to stop my heart and cue
my mind to battle against the nature of it?
My mind is rattled but my soul’s at ease.

I am realizing that in all of these pictures
you don’t have your arms around me like you should.
I’m confused, and a bit disoriented
like a beast wandering through an urban nightmare.
I am speaking out of turn but you’re
driving me a bit insane and the things that would
usually give me confidence are sedated
by your trepidation to show me you care.

I initiate a self-revival sequence
within my programmed survival code
and I successfully install a program to let go.
Yes, I successfully begin to accept everything.
I’ve decided to stop trying to make any sense
of the things that would usually hold
me back and flail. Yes, I continue to grow
while I focus on the beautiful things I’m feeling.

heart beat, break beat.
the sun’s shining on the dying
like the moon’s beaming on the dead.
and yet, i bet on
the movement of her hips.
they are making me moan
and hope is pulling me out from under
the persistence of thoughts
i can’t seem to control.
I hold on to the last time
we touched
like a fevered coke fiend
wanting another fix.
I hold on to the last time
we kissed
like a dictator
gripping his fist for control.
heart beat, break beat.
the stars are blinking down on me
like the clouds form images i yearn.
and still i’m filled with
moments of absolute darkness.
all i want is to hear her voice
and kiss the softness that pushes me over
the precipice of  thoughts
i can’t seem to control.
I hold on to the last time
we slept
like a little bear
who misses the snow.
I hold on to  the last time
we looked
in to each others eyes
and felt the world melt.

I collaborate with needles under my skin
to keep me awake -
and to keep me sane.
yes, I put pressure on them to make myself grin,
but it’s a mistake
to love all this pain.

I want to distract myself from the lack of you -
from the emptiness
that destroys my days.
your scent, your touch, your taste – infected all I knew.
now there’s only this:
a lack of sun rays.

I reach out to the sky hoping to feel something -
anything that’s close
to your warmth and smile.
my heart aches, my mind is numb, and I keep thinking:
I hate that I won’t
see you for a while.