skinblade

You knew me from a former life, I said.
Drinking
and salivating
and sloshing
and laughing
and moving towards the back of my mind with your questions.
Picking out the things
that make you most comfortable
as we tumble in and out of bars.
Bringing up the things
that make me uncomfortable
as we fumble through our pockets to pay the bill
and spill out in to the crowded street.
You’ve released another
12 seconds of silence in to the air
and I can’t stand to be here anymore.
So I walk away
and somehow find my way
home.

Unremarkable sound in the distance
so I ignore it
and move forward.
But as it comes closer its vibration takes me to another world.
I am lifted to infinity
and reminded
I will be all right
if only
for a little while.

You are looking at me now
aware of my eyes
on your neck
and I’m ashamed for a second and wondering if you know
how much I’d like to
be reminded
that I will be all right
if only
for a little while.

In the silence I am visible
for the first time in a very long time.
I crank up the music and push the headphones against my
rattled head.

Around me are reminders
of my former self. They do nothing
to help me mourn and instead push pins under my
fingernails.

Outside the passing cars
move listlessly to destinations I
would like to go. Anywhere but here – examining my
beaten husk.

In the distance you are echoing
“things will be okay”, even though
we know they won’t be. Not while I still have my
doubt and guilt.

Falling apart again
like memories moving in to the future. Broken fragments – wisps of what they should be.
Is it real – a big deal?

I look at my hands in this moment of weakness. I want there to be something in them.
Just a bit of reality sitting on my life line.
Something to hold.
They remind me of my experience – short and unpredictable.

I am in motion,
at least. Following my broken fragments with a whisper
as they descend.
This is real – a big deal.

I pass by a signpost clearly marked just for me. It screams a warning at me that
I’m too selfish to see.
I enter a cloudy haze with a bitter gulp and an acknowledgment of a single mistake.
There will be several more throughout this day, so
no need to worry just yet.
It affects every nerve in my body;
helps me get numb.

I tremble in the daylight – painfully aware of my ineptitude. I used to want to be more than this,
but in the end,
this is what I’m meant to be – a flaking and diseased birch tree snapping at its middle.
One of many in the forest.
No need to take pity.
Or stop to glance at just me. There are plenty of others to spend your sympathy on -
it is such a valued currency.

Imagine all the things you don’t spend it on. Such important things.
So you pass by
in your car, or by foot, or by plane.
You take comfort in your savings account – stock full of sympathy which you will gladly exchange for just the right cause.
And I’m okay with that. You go ahead
and pass on by
just as I passed by the warning sign.

I’m not sure it’s supposed to be like this,
but life continues to move
and surprise
and disappoint
and evolve
and elate
and unnecessarily reach in to my soul to tear away the foundations of certainty.

I’ve broken so many glass jars by carelessly tipping them
from the top shelf. They were weak against my clumsy selfishness and my lack of consideration
to their fragile nature.

The dawn treads on my peaceful sleep and burrows its sun rays under my lids
so that I may wake to greet  the shattered glass.
Jagged pieces lodged in my back. I’ve been laying on them all night.
I move to the mirror. Empty. A sparkling void looks back at me and I quickly understand that
the twinkling
in the darkness
is the glass
and I am only a formless shape, where the glass has eaten away
a man,
a monster,
a selfish beast lacking feelings,
or regard,
or resolve.

A coward who yesterday took his most prized jar and tipped it from the shelf.
I heard it shatter in the distance,
as if I were not there.
When I took a step forward, I heard another jar fall.

Step – and another.

Step – and two more.

I don’t remember reaching the glass, only fading in to darkness. I don’t recall what words I said,
only the relief that came afterwards. And I took solace in that feeling,
only to wake as a void.